The Rosebush

Do not be fooled into thinking you can sellotape your broken heart back together.  The slightest tug will pull it apart again and reveal the ugly, painful truth.

Hi guys,

My blog and email have been totally dead for the last three days, so if you have emailed me or left any comments on photos or on my blog since Thursday, please can you RESEND your emails and resubmit your comments, as they will have been lost in the ether otherwise.

Basically my domain server thingy decided that I hadn’t renewed my subscription, even though I’m sure I had, but anyway… please resend.

Thanks!

We have a 3 day weekend due to Thadingyut, the Buddhist festival of light. 

I am going to Ngapali beach…

So far Karin and I have tried to go away together twice and failed for different reasons.  Third time lucky, I hope…

…it is not fun sitting in a dark house at night, literally dripping with sweat, watching (and smelling) my food go off because there has either been no electricity or insufficient voltage for the last 24 hours. F$*”ing government.

By the way, if you were thinking of visiting Burma any time soon, don’t.  Apparently your travel insurance is invalid as long as the FCO is officially advising people not to travel to a particular country unless they have to.  I don’t know how much or which parts of the insurance are invalid, but it could be all of it. Interesting.

Watch this space - stuff could happen on Friday because it is Thadingyut, one of the biggest Burmese Buddhist festivals of the year and it’s also a month after the protests turned violent.  There will be a lot of people gathering together at pagodas, and large numbers of people in one place are exactly what the government doesn’t want.  I’m pretty sure that all the pagodas will be swarming with police and military. 

With a bit of luck, I’ll be at the beach.

So… I’ve told the person I was seeing that I don’t want to see them any more.

This person has been nothing but devoted, kind, loyal, generous and caring towards me.  I have taken advantage of this during a period of difficulty in my life and he really helped to buoy my spirits during this time and make me feel happier and cared about.

But the simple fact is that I am still totally, 100% devoted to somebody else, and how can anybody possibly give anything of any value to somebody when their heart belongs elsewhere.

Alright, I’m aware how melancholy and “froo-froo” this all sounds, but… if you know me, you know to expect this kind of post now and again ;) 

The brighter note is that I feel good about the decision.  Not so bright for the guy in question but I do feel that letting him be free and not ‘fooling’ him into thinking there’s any kind of future for us is the right thing to do. 

As for me, I think I’m just going to stop. I am hoping and will always hope that Josh and I can figure out a way to be together happily that doesn’t compromise his religion or either of our careers.  At the moment I just have to wait and keep my fingers crossed that somebody up there is smiling on us for a change.  The sun is shining, I live in a beautiful country and I love my job.  This is me. Josh has other things happening in his life and is about to embark on something astronomically huge and significant. I believe it would be fitting for us to find a personal resolution now, to carry him through.  I feel stronger and happier than I have done for a while.

Hope it lasts…

Just finished uploading pictures from my recent 2 weeks in Bangkok… Take a look if you want, and comment if you feel like it :)  CLICK HERE for piccies

…but wiser?  Possibly…. Certainly more experienced and with much wider eyes than a year ago.

Any better at avoiding sticky situations?  Nope… seem to be a magnet for that.  Not much better with blokes either.  Had my head totally turned to mush this year and it’s true to say that I am not past that and it doesn’t look likely to happen any time soon… Hm.

However, I do not yet see any wrinkles…. well, not on me, anyway…

Finally out of hospital after 5 days.  They sent me off with about 8 different types of medication, about 5 of which have to be taken every day and the rest are “just in case”.  I have also been told it’s probably okay for me to fly, so I am going to Phuket today to recoup for a few days. 

Not allowed to swim, or drink, but I *am* allowed to sit on the beach/by the pool and go a lovely shade of lobster red

Alright, so many of you don’t give much of a crap about Burma cos you’ve never been there and maybe you’d never even heard of it before I moved out there… but hopefully you have been watching the news over the last couple of weeks and your eyes have been opened as to the horrific things which happen there not only during times of crisis, but every single day, especially in villages and behind closed doors where the junta knows that nobody will see or challenge them.  I have only lived in Burma a short time but I have heard stories and spoken to people who have not only opened my eyes but yanked them out of their sockets with sheer horror at what the government is capable of doing. 

The people of Burma are desperate and help MUST come from outside, because they simply don’t have the resources to stand up to the military on their own, although they are not lacking in willpower or faith.  You may not feel like ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ or maybe you think that people are just doing this cos they love a new shiny ’cause’ to put their names to, but this is not a new thing… we are just lucky enough that unlike in 1988, the world has been able to see what is happening to the Burmese people and has been happening for over 40 years.

If you don’t have any plans tomorrow, PLEASE have a look at the link below and see if there is a rally going on near you.  If you have something red to wear and a dog to walk, (or some legs to exercise) please go to the rally, be a number.  Don’t forget that the protests are PEACEFUL so by all means take a placard or a banner, but don’t be offensive - just state your point and do your thing, in the same Buddhist spirit as the m0nks… But please do go, and be seen, because this will be publicised, and this publicity will get back to the Burmese government - perhaps they will see how little support they have in other countries and that they are already on extremely shaky ground.

I can vouch for the strength and speed of communications and media crossing the borders of Burma and the rest of the world.  Information is getting in and out of Burma faster than the junta can control it, despite their best efforts, and if people fight, they WILL see it, and they WILL have a reason to worry.  Not only that, but the Burmese people, who are now staying indoors for fear of being shot or arrested, will see that they have international support and perhaps they will realise that the battle has only just begun - there is some hope, even though things have quietened down on the surface.

I am not the media, I am not a communicator of information.  This is simply an expression of my own feelings - exercising my priceless right to freedom of speech, something the Burmese haven’t had for decades.  I am not an activist, I am not a political person, I know no more facts than what everybody else can see on the BBC, CNN etc, and I have no intention of getting myself arrested. However, I CAN let you know that there is action going on tomorrow.

Follow this link to find out where your nearest rally is.

I am also extremely keen to persuade people to go because I’m not in a position to be able to go to one myself :(  I’d be there if I could, so please, if you do go, let me know.

Still in my room at the Samitivej hospital, Bangkok.

My ‘1 night in hospital’ turned into 3 nights, but that’s okay.  It still hurts, but it’s more of a discomfort than a pain.  To be honest, it kind of puts things into perspective when I think about the risks and the suffering which monks and civilians have put themselves through in Burma - makes my little op seem totally insignificant.

So for now, I am on the mend and doing okay x

Would also like to say 2 things…. firstly, I realise I am unbelievably lucky.  I know that a huge number of women with endometriosis suffer terrible symptoms and lose their ability to have children as a result of the condition.  The lesion which was removed was quite small (about 1.5cm), there was only one of them, and I have been told that my fertility (touchwood) should not have been affected too much, and I know that compared with a lot of other women my symptoms have been minor, even though I have had them for about 12 years… I am a very lucky girl and really do appreciate this fact.

Also wanted to say thank you to all the people who sent me messages via text, email, Facebook etc and who have called me to wish me luck with the op and send me get well soon messages, and who have called my parents to ask how I’m doing.  I am really overwhelmed by the people in my life who care about me and are thoughtful enough to spend a moment letting me know they care.  I *really* appreciate it and it’s made what could have been a bit of a scary experience much, much easier… Thank you guys xx